(Disclaimer: Yes, this post plays on stereotypes and I know not all men fit this profile. In fact, I know some obsessively compulsive neat freak mens and women who this post will describe quite well. In fact, our own Quadfather says he vacuums about 4 times per week, but my guess is he is not the norm. 
)
It’s a typical scene. Nagging wife gets annoyed at husband who:
- Leaves a GIANT mess after making dinner.
- Doesn’t put his tools away after doing repairs.
- Doesn’t put away packing materials after putting something new together (it’s not always a husband…sometimes it’s a son)
- Empties a closet after looking for something, but doesn’t put everything back when he finds it.
At our house, we have a basket where we keep some stuff we need for when we go out the door. Gloves and mittens in the winter. Dog leashes, etc. Recently, my husband was looking for something and he tossed everything out of the basket to find it. Of course, he didn’t put anything back.
I asked him why he always does that and he told me something like, “I don’t like to redo things that are already done.”
I didn’t quite get it at the time, but I observed his behaviour for a while and it finally came to me. He’s about getting what he wants and the extra stuff is well extra.
- If you want dinner, you cook it. Cleaning up has nothing to do with eating your dinner.
- If you want something out of a drawer, a closest or a basket, you get it. Putting stuff back has nothing to do with getting what you want.
- If you are fixing something, you get it fixed. Putting the tools away doesn’t make the item fixed work any better.
Of course, we women know that life isn’t just about living in the now. The mess and the dirty dishes, make it a little harder to put together a meal the next time. We want to be prepared for when it happens, a man will just deal with it (and only as much as he needs to) when he comes to it. And when we want to find something in that drawer the next time or need a tool, we want to know exactly where it is. For some reason, that male creature doesn’t care about it so much.
So now, after 13 years, I *get* it…but am still stuck on how to reprogram this behaviour. 
Ideas?
Alice, I’ve watched your writings for a couple of years now and I have respect for what you do and what you have accomplished.
But this is a bit too much.
Actually, I’m quite offended.
In our household I not only do the majority of the cooking *and* cleaning *and* child care for our 3 year old boy, but I do all of the other “man” chores like: taking out the garbage, fixing things around the house, keeping the cars maintained, building the playset, taking care of the landscaping, etc.
*and* I’m building video production/marketing business while doing all of this.
So to say “all guys are like this” is just… ignorant.
It’s much more accurate to say your HUSBAND is like this. Now, after 13 years, you understand YOUR HUSBAND. Not all guys.
And the escape clause that essentially says “there are guys who are not like this, but they’re not normal” doesn’t cut it either.
What do you think the reaction would be if a guy wrote an article about how all women drivers are awful. But he mentioned that there are a few professional women race car drivers, but they’re not normal.
Would that be okay?
Or women don’t know how to fix things… (with a few “not normal” exceptions)
Or wives are horrible nags (except for a few that aren’t- but that’s not normal)
Would a guy (or anyone) be able to get away with reinforcing these stereotypes if they put in an “escape clause” of “a few are not like this, but they’re not normal”?
I’m a guy on the front lines of redefining what “dad” and “husband” mean. I hope you can be more mindful of how that role is changing and not make my life (and others guys like me) more difficult by reinforcing dying stereotypes.
Thanks,
Roger
This explains why men are good at getting the girl but make lousy husbands! Hahaha
I think some stereotypes are true. The driving thing? Well, statistics don’t hold that one up. My insurance is cheaper than my ex husband’s, and I’m pretty sure there’s a solid reason for that.
But please Roger – if you asked 100 women if the men in their lives were cleaner or messier than them, my guess is that 90 would say messier.
I think that similar to what Alice said, it’s about men being more goal oriented, whereas women see the bigger picture. So when a man is hungry, he cooks.
When he wants a clean kitchen, he cleans. He doesn’t see the two things as necessarily being related. Makes sense to me!
I dunno the answer Alice. I’m divorced so what the hell do I know about relationships anyway? Maybe tell him that when he does dishes it makes you hot for him?
I do nearly all of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, other housework and the majority of the childcare in our home, and couldn’t be further from your “plays on stereotypes”.
If he’s cooking and fixing stuff, isn’t that enough? I’d say you’re lucky.
Another -1 from a dad who cooks all 3 meals + cleanup on ALL meals + gardening, + takes care of the preschooler from waking (6am), drop off at preschool (8:30am), and pick up (4:30pm).
I don’t expect a medal, this is just the modern dad’s job. Every dad in my kid’s playgroup has similar responsibilities.
Wow. Is this new, or was he this way when he was married? Because “love” and “reprogramming” don’t go well together.
Deal with it.
Roger – come on!
A lot of it is tongue in cheek, but sorry if I offended you. I agree with Carrie and the driving thing isn’t exactly supported, but you absolutely have my permission to say that as a stereotype, women can’t fix things. It’s okay with me. 
And to be fair, I did mention the “nagging wife” sterotype.
By the way, my husband is AWESOME and he does tons around the house and with the kids. He just approaches things differently than me. Was just stating that I have a new understanding.
dt – to answer your question. It’s not new. It has been a mystery to me for many, many years. I just figured it out. That’s all. The comment about reprogramming was a joke.
I don’t know if the disclaimer was added after some feathers were ruffled or not, but there WAS a disclaimer. I know maybe 2 guys that are NOT like what Alice described. I think it’s a pretty fair stereotype in my experience.
Also, my car insurance is as low as it can possibly be
Hey Cassie. Disclaimer was always there. I think there was an objection to my use of the word “norm”, but I don’t beieve “norm” and “normal” are synonymous.
I think “norm” is synonymous with “the majority” whereas “normal” would mean “the way it should be”. Either way, I think it’s clear you weren’t saying all men are like that.
I’ve been sorta wonderin how I got the only wife in the world that doesn’t clean anything but her body, and thank goodness for that. I can’t figure it out. . .either she’s depressed to the teeth; mad at me for things past; or else, I haven’t a clue. Now I’ve got her menopause to deal with. 40 years of marital bliss, now. . .I don’t even know the woman I’m living with. No matter what I say. . .she is either offended or take the opposing position. Course knowing this if I wanted to I could manipulate the heck out of the situation. Hope this passes soon, it’s trying my patience. Got off work at 6am, she’s gone to work, 12 hrs today. So, I did the dishes, the laundry, and alittle vacuumin. Now I’m tuckered. . .when she gets off she wants to go to her sis’s for fireworks party. Whoopie. . .happy 4th of July.
Cheers,
otrpu
Oh otrpu…40 years is a long time. Hang in there.